The Healing Power of Friendship

By CVT Intern Joseph Walker

“From the depths of despair, loss of hope, separation from family, fears of being rejected for asylum and being sent back to dangerous environments, to hope, confidence and joy.” This is how Ben Kohler describes the changes he sees in the clients he volunteers with. Kohler is a Befriender at the Center for Victims of Torture, a program that provides social support for clients of CVT.

A Befriender enters into a long-term relationship (usually a minimum of 6 months) with a client. Activities depend upon the needs of the client, the interests of the two people, and the time available, but “presence” is the keystone of this role. The Befriender’s role may include meeting for a conversation, sharing a meal, taking a walk, or accompanying the client to a free event. It may also involve advocacy relating to resettlement tasks, such as working with the client to meet basic needs, connect with community resources, learn how to use the bus system, or find housing and employment.

The process of matching a Befriender with a client involves the client’s social worker, a Volunteer Coordinator, and the Befriender themselves. If the client would like to have a Befriender, he or she tells his or her social worker. The social worker then contacts one of CVT’s Volunteer Coordinators, who match the client with a Befriender.

Rita Manninen, one of CVT’s Volunteer Coordinators, describes the process of matching the client and the Befriender: “I receive a request from the Social Worker who requests a Befriender. This request usually includes some information about the client, i.e. he or she loves music, or likes outdoor activities. Then I find a volunteer who likes the same things, and who lives in the same area of the client. We always match the gender, and usually we match the ages. I introduce the volunteer to the client, and describe the role.”

After the client and Befriender have been introduced to each other, the Befriending process begins.

“I realize that in my role I am not a therapist…I merely offer my friendship to my client,” says Kohler. “So, we do the activities of friendship—conversation about our families, our education, work histories, personal interests, news events—many of the things that friends talk about and can do together.

“We go to places of interest and that expand the client’s learning to navigate his way in a new and frequently confusing environment. I am constantly amazed at how often little things that I can manage with hardly any effort can be almost insurmountable and discouraging to my friend. The list of impediments is almost endless.”

“In all these activities lies the core of my role—to be supportive in my client’s healing, to help in reclaiming the joy and goodness of life that was smashed by the cruelty of torture.”

Mary Healy, another longtime Befriender, adds that clients often enjoy the opportunity for interpersonal interaction as a way to combat loneliness and provide a distraction from the physical and mental aftereffects of torture, such as chronic pain or anxiety.

Befrienders are valuable resources for clients because the knowledge and abilities that they pass on to clients often augment the healing process by helping them not only adjust to life in the Twin Cities, but also gain a sense of independence. Furthermore, clients have skills of their own that they often demonstrate to their Befrienders, which can help them regain a feeling of self-worth.

Says Volunteer Coordinator Cynthia Crooks: “Often our volunteers have valuable skills to share with clients – for example, navigating the city by bike or by bus, or perhaps understanding the education systems in the U.S., or teaching an enjoyable pastime such as knitting. And our clients have much to share, also, which energizes and encourages them when they experience it. It may be as simple as knowing the route to take to a destination when the volunteer doesn’t yet know the way. Clients have much to teach and give, and the Befriender relationship is one opportunity for this.”

The positive effects of the Befriender program are numerous, as noted by all those involved.

“One of the most impactful roles of a Befriender is one of a trusted companion,” says social worker Casie Iwata. “Torture is meant to destroy the connections individuals have with others and their communities. Interacting with a Befriender is, for many clients, a way to regain trust in the context of a supportive interpersonal relationship. Befrienders also serve as a bridge for clients to reduce isolation and begin reconnecting with a community again.”

Crooks adds, “I feel it is a great privilege to be introducing possibly life-long friends in a relationship that has such impact for both. They meet in unusual, controlled circumstances, but as life goes on their relationships sometimes become so normal, so equal in give-and-take, that they are a sign of the great healing that can take place for CVT clients as they reintegrate into normal life in their new community.”

But perhaps the most revealing evidence of the impact of the Befriender is the praise offered by clients:

“They have inspired me so that I can do it someday for other people!”

“They are willing to see me as a capable, purposeful human being.”

“Volunteers are great friends. They changed and transformed my life. They committed to helping me. They are people I will never forget.”